For a number of years now I have asked myself that question and every time I think I know the answer I find out I am wrong. This not knowing used to make me uncomfortable. I have come to realize that there is a lot of freedom in not knowing who you are. Not defining who I am has given me the space to imagen many things. You see, the question I should have been asking, that we should all be asking is, “who am I becoming?”
Who we are is not a fixed point. We are fluid, and ever-changing whether we like it or not. I have often fought that flow, and that never works. Right now, I find myself in a place of mourning. I have been letting go of who I was a piece at a time. The person I was is dying and at the same moment who I am becoming is being birthed. A beautiful, albeit messy process.
I am not fighting it anymore, not trying to hold so tight to the known. I have made mistakes and been very hard on myself. I have spent too long worrying about living up to everyone else’s expectations, as well as my own impossibly high expectations. I was horrified to discover so much unhealthy, outdated cultural programming was still in my mind and body. I was still living by those rules and did not even know it. I have spent too much time being sorry for things that were not my fault. I am mad at myself for that. People who have been in my life for years are making way for new people. Frankly, I am angry at some of them too. How I see myself, my relationships, my body, and my health are all changing. I don’t know how I want to dress anymore. Sometimes I look at my clothes and it feels like they belong to someone else.
I may not know who I am, but I have clarified who I am not. Sometimes that has to be enough. I have sat with my fear, my discomfort, my hurt. I am rebuilding my life from the inside out. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, so I am letting that go too. It’s okay that I am sad, it’s okay that I am confused and if you find yourself in a similar place let it be okay for you too. We have to let go to be able to accept something new. Be scared, be tired, be excited, be angry! Be all of that at once. You, me, none of us were meant to be the same forever.
Let’s stop trying to figure out who we are and look forward to who we are becoming!
Nicole Biondich
March 2023
